Empty Me

I am full.

I have filled, drop by drop, with your tiny agressions

    your dismissiveness

    your "alternate facts"

    your "let's change the subject, this is too difficult for me"

This is difficult for you?

    This is difficult for the man being crushed by the public servant

    This is difficult for the child drinking and bathing in the pollution of industry

    This is difficult for the youth languishing in prison, 

    with no past to be proud of and no future to dream about

These injuries I carry, day after day, week after week, year after year

    But instead of helping me carry the load, you heap more on me

And I'm full. I can't take one more drop of your callousness 

    not one more drop of your selfishness

    not one more drop of your apathy

without bursting

Old Revelations - August 14, 2006

Today I believe:

1. That the universe really exists
2. That a conscious mind influences it
3. That although my spiritual beliefs might require extending beyond reason and scientific knowledge, they will not ever require contradicting them
4. That no matter how little I understand about the divine mind, He-She-It-or-They know all they need to and don't require my understanding or belief to operate everything as it ought to be done.

I am in the process of examining the world's various religious traditions to see if any fit with what I already know of my beliefs. I might find one that clicks for me. I might end up right back where I started as a child - "Jesus loves me; this I know. for the bible tells me so."

I expect what I'll probably find is that all of them contain a part of the divine revelation, but that in the end I'll have to be content with what little faith I have now.

Old Revelations - August 14, 2006

I've kept many journals in various forms. Often, when years later I look back, I marvel at the level of foolishness or outright delusion that I was suffering from. I can't help wondering if this one will turn out the same.

Although the purpose of this hand-written notebook may change in time, as of this writing, it has a rather grandiose dedication - illuminating to myself the spiritual path that I must walk.

I was raised in and around a variety of Protestant churches, most notably Lutheran and Baptist. As a young adult suffering from undiagnosed depression, I sought fulfillment as a student of Jehovah's Witnesses: a faithful, Bible-toting fundamentalist; and a seeker in the New Age Movement.

After beginning drug therapy for the depression, during one of my most conservative Christian periods, I began to question notions of Predestination and damnation for the unbeliever. How could a Divine Loving Creator allow a man or woman to suffer eternity of isolation and pain on the basis that they found Christian theology unconvincing, particularly when it was entirely up to Him who would find it convincing in the first place? The concept left me cold.

More to the point, what kind of faith could I put in a Savior who was less forgiving and compassionate than myself?

Still, though the "Christian" dogma had been tarnished in my eyes, I didn't lose the need to feel that I could touch something beyond mundane daily life. I began practicing witchcraft and reading Tarot, though never subscribing to any particular system.
But over time that faded as well. I observed the holidays less and less, perform ritual and spells less frequently, because I wasn't really sure what I believed about them or whether I believed in them at all.

So a couple of years ago, I decided to undergo a complete overhaul. I would strip everything down, admit that I knew nothing, and from the ground up, assemble my beliefs. In the end, my faith might be small, and in small things, but it would be firm, and I would know that I truly believed it.

From admitting that I knew nothing, it was with great speed that I took my first baby steps. "I think, therefore I am." I believed that I existed. From that I concluded that I had no good reason to doubt the existence of the physical universe, considering the evidence of my senses.

But what about that which was beyond the ability of my senses to perceive? What about God?

A philosophy "primer" I had read offered an argument in favor of the existence of God on the basis of there needing to be a first cause. I was disappointed that the author didn't address the model of an infinite universe. A universe that was infinite in time as well as space would require no "first cause."

I began to examine the implications of a truly infinite universe - a universe that had no limits, neither of its past, nor its future, nor its present location, extending in all ways forever. In such a universe , everything that could possibly exist, no matter how improbable, would exist at some point. This meant that at least one "god" existed - either as the first cause of a limited universe, (not necessarily a conscious entity) or as a being so vastly beyond human understanding of power and intellect that to us it (they?) could only be thought of as "gods".

And here is where I hit another roadblock. I took a detour. (Indeed it was a bit of backtracking to some of the Christian apologetics I learned a decade ago.) In regards to the universe - whether created or whether eternal, there is such a high degree of order throughout, that I am convinced of a conscious Mind at work in it. (Although my dear friend Diane states that there is sufficient level of chaos to indicate a committee.)

Old Revelations

I've come across a journal I started in 2006. I say "started" because there are no more than a few entries in there... maybe because those are all the entries I needed in it.

The original purpose of the journal was to establish what my beliefs were, and I think it was successful in that. I've defined a few other concepts for myself since then, which I've posted about here, but the core of my beliefs haven't changed since I scribbled these down.

Physical objects now feel so heavy to me... including paper books. I feel the weight of them dragging along whenever I try to tidy my living spaces, or move to a new one. I much prefer the weightlessness of digital data.

So I'm ready to let go of this journal... but I'm not ready to let go of the data it stores. In the coming days I'm going to transcribe these few entries into this blog... Get ready to see my spiritual core.

The "Race" Issue (Part 1)

We are not There Yet

In the wake of the Zimmerman verdict, during our first black president's second term, many in the media have proposed that it's time to renew the dialog about race. As a transplant from the rather liberal Pacific Northwest, to the predominantly conservative South, my own experience impels me to agree. There are still a lot of conflicting attitudes about race, as well as a need to establish an understanding of where we are as a nation in race relations, where we want to be, and the best way to get there.

I have recently been accused of "promoting hate" because I pointed out the existence of white privilege, with a call to action that those who experience it use it to support minority rights when the opportunity arises. The reasoning behind this accusation is baffling to me. Can we actually correct a problem without addressing it? Is it hateful to point out a condition that no single person has control over, and suggest that they use it to promote equity?

I grew up on School House Rock. So I took for granted that certain things about my country were true: America was the land of equality and freedom. It was a "stew" where all races added their distinct flavor to a single happy culture. My family didn't discuss race one way or another that I can recall. For most of my youth, I lived in a predominantly white suburban neighborhood. My beliefs in racial equality were never challenged, because no situation ever arose that gave them an occasion to be challenged. I grew up in something of a bubble, and really thought that racism was a thing of the past.

Unfortunately, more recent experiences (and a more observant examination of my surroundings) have brought me to the conclusion that racism isn't dead. It may be retreating, but it's still a factor in our societies. The KKK is still very active in this region. I've had dealings with members and stood uncomfortably by while a customer where I worked laughed at his own racist jokes. I've heard a five year old repeat derogatory statements about racial minorities that he heard from his father and attempted tactfully to give him more to think about, without directly contradicting his parents and jeopardizing my job. I had to leave the room for a few minutes the day I met an old friend of the family, who was telling us about a "black man" (stage whispered) who stole her wallet. A woman, "she was black too but one of the good kind," helped her retrieve it.

There are also still the effects of the racism of previous generations on large-scale institutions. In the cities where I've lived, even as a child in a liberal state, the wealthier neighborhoods have been populated primarily by white people and the poorer are still predominantly minorities. In spite of incentives to close the education and wage gaps, they still have a powerful hold on our society. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that black men on average are, in 2013, earning roughly 75% what white men are. Latinos are earning even less. A 2013 Gallup poll indicates that there is only a 2% difference between the number of white and non-white people who smoke marijuana, but the incarceration rate for marijuana possession for black people is almost 4 times that of white people. The overt racism of a relatively small group of white people cannot be solely responsible for such widespread inequity.

For this we have to look to something that has been termed "white privilege." One way to express it is that rather than a prejudice against one group, it expresses itself as a preference for another. It is the condition white people enjoy in our nation without having had to create it, appreciate it, or in most cases, even realize it exists. The current social stratification was developed through centuries Eurocentric thinking. A quiet willingness to accept the status quo, without much pause for critical examination, enables white privilege to self-perpetuate.

In the modern conversation about race relations, white-privilege has taken the foreground. The majority of people in our nation consciously believe in racial equality. Most people, if asked, will claim that they see people of all races as equally good, equally valuable. Nonetheless, people are coming forward to share their stories about how they are treated because of their dark skin color, and how it differs from the way people with lighter skin tones are treated. It's a very uncomfortable conversation to have, since most white people don't consider themselves racist (because they aren't) and don't see racism in their day-to-day lives (even though it's there).

Today marks the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s much-admired "I Have a Dream" speech. Much has changed since that time, but we still have work to do. Race is still a barrier for many people, which is ironic.

After all, race doesn't even really exist.

Deference or Discrimination?

Most memes pass through my Facebook history without hardly a glance. Some, however, seem to be the perfect springboards for reflection and discussion. A meme I re-posted yesterday was just that:

Interesting.

"Real" men, eh? And men who don't open car doors for women have some strange backwards "unman" chromosome? Huh.

And some of the comments where I saw the image originally posted were cringeworthy: "If women acted more like real ladies, more men would do this." Yes. Women must be ladylike or men can't be men. Ugh.

The image, and the comments underneath, reminded me of a situation I was in with an unpopular friend. He had just been complaining that someone at work had reported him for sexual harassment because he had paid her a compliment for her looks. This was a second infraction. He simply didn't understand how it could qualify as harassment. Shortly after that, he opened my car door.

Now this wasn't my date, my lover, or my husband. In fact, he had been my husband's best man at our wedding. This meant that the only reason he had for opening my car door was that I was a woman. 

Thinking I might help him overcome his social blindness, I tried to explain to him that opening my door purely because I was a woman was sexism, and that commenting on a female co-worker's appearance, unless there is some other social context that relaxed the rules, was in fact, inappropriate.

And, as time went on, the same systemic problem in his thinking about women that led him to such social gaffs gradually made his company intolerable, and we parted ways.

I told this story on Facebook, and was surprised at how much discussion this generated, as if I was some kind of bitch for not wanting men who are not intimately related to me to open the car door for me. One seemed to think I had mistaken courtesy for sexism; another that I was making mountains out of molehills. 

And yet, in every situation where they themselves said that they appreciated a man opening a car door for them (or a man indicated that he would open the car door for a woman), it was in the context of a date, at least. So clearly, context has much to do with what behavior is acceptable.

Here is my point: 

Men who hold the doors of buildings open for women are courteous. (Of course, I also expect them to open doors for other men.) Men who refuse to allow a woman to open the door of a building for them are sexist.

Men (or women) who open car doors for their sweethearts (regardless of sex or gender) are sweet. Men who hold car doors open for women, solely because they are women, are sexist.

And no, this isn't about one person's interpretation of courtesy over another. It is about how someone thinks about the sexes. It is about the systemic problems that lie in the attitude that women are different from men, and must therefore be treated differently. If there is a sharp delineation in a person's mind about what makes someone a man and what makes someone a woman, there is probably some prejudice against one sex or the other and definitely a prejudice against people who do not fall neatly into those categories.

However, men and women are no more different from each other than one man or woman is from another man or woman. Sexual organs aren't even differentiated until 6-8 weeks in the womb. Until that time we all express the same sexual organs, and afterward, we all exhibit some of the traits of the opposite sex (the clitoris is what remains of the male penis in women, and nipples are expressed in men, who do not lactate). 

Sex and gender do not always run parallel. Gender is an expression of a combination of hormonal balances and social conditioning, and can result in masculine girls or effeminate men, of either sexual orientation. Genitalia does not determine personality or sexual preference. 

Men and women (and the genderqueer) are, first and foremost, people - worthy of equal consideration. Courtesy is treating someone with deference because of their humanity, not because of their sexual expression.

So, if I see you opening my car door and we're not on a date, you'd better be opening car doors for everybody.

When times get tough, the tough get hugs

I sent this to a friend who was faced with a difficult decision, one that impacted the way she saw herself and her future career in the field of animal care. I know I sometimes need reminders like this, so I'm making this available to the world. It's nothing new, but I've found that the more time passes, the more true it rings:

1. Put your own health first. Write down your priorities if you must, as a reminder: "Me, my loved ones, the rest" Make sure you are getting everything you need to be as healthy as possible before tackling the rest. Establishing formal guidelines will make the hard decisions a little bit easier. (and yes, you MUST put yourself first, or find yourself eventually incapable of being any good to anyone else.
   
2. When you have to make the hard decisions, forgive yourself for what you could not do. Remind yourself that you are human and being the best human you know how to be. You wouldn't ask more of anyone else, so don't expect more from yourself.
3. Keep acknowledging your emotions and KEEP MOVING. There are going to be days that seems almost impossible, and in that case break your activities down into manageable chunks. Don't think about all you expect yourself to do, just focus on *one thing* and then move on to the next thing.
4. Remember, there are people who love you no matter what. Love yourself, no matter what, because we aren't wrong to love you and you are a gamble worth taking!
5. Lastly, get a hug, or a kiss on the nose. Just something tactile. We mammals need it.
   
   All of the above can seem overly simplistic, but it's what I know deep inside (and from experience) to be true. Also, putting into practice is really difficult, so it's not as simple as it sounds.